Talk about what you don’t do

This is a very contextual one, and should be handled carefully. You probably know what I’m talking about though right? It's that friend who's always confused when you call someone “such a Rachel” and respond, “Oh, sorry, I don’t watch F●R●I●E●N●D●S; I don’t really watch TV.” I realize that’s a dated reference and I don’t care. Secondly, I don’t even know what “such a Rachel” would mean because I didn’t watch F●R●I●E●N●D●S. Thirdly, I don’t think I’ve heard anyone say, “Oh, I don’t watch Netflix or any streaming video,” so I can’t make the same reference for House of Cards.

The beauty of the internet is I knew someone would make a Friends/House of Cards mashup, and I was right.

Anyway, here are a non-exhaustive list of things you can not do and casually mention that you don’t do: watch TV, watch movies, watch non-foreign movies, watch movies that aren’t “films”, read fiction, read nonfiction, read?, listen to mainstream music, listen to the radio, listen to non-NPR radio, listen to non-classical radio, play ball sports, use an alarm clock, eat out, eat meat, eat fish, use Facebook, use Twitter, use Pinterest, use GChat, use AOL?, have a car, have a bike, have an iPhone, have a smartphone, have a phone, play video games, read blogs, buy clothes, buy cheaply made clothes, buy jewelry, buy stuff, work. You might be surprised this isn’t a bulleted list. That’s right, we change it up sometimes. Actually, I just couldn't figure out columns in this stupid blog editor.

To continue my thought, here’s the thing though - you can’t just go around spouting off about how you don’t read. People are just going to think you are illiterate. You can generalize that over the rest of the list. No, there are two rules to talking about what you don’t do. First, you have to do it in context. If someone is talking about the latest Fifty Shades of Grey book (also, with that many books in the series, wouldn’t you just sum up the shades, so it’s fifty in the first one, one hundred in the second, and so on? Also, how many actual shades of grey are there? Like, actual colors?) then you can mention you don’t read. Second, you have to give a reason, which usually involves you having being on some philosophical high ground. “You know, I don’t actually read. I think reading is a poor substitute for experiencing the world more viscerally, especially when it comes to Fifty Shades of Grey.” Actually, that’s a dumb sentence, but you can figure it out.

  I really went down a rabbit hole talking about 50 Shades of Grey... ( img src )

I really went down a rabbit hole talking about 50 Shades of Grey... (img src)

In conclusion: don’t do stuff, then talk about how you don’t do it, and people will be impressed by you. Or silently judge you, but you know, that’s the risk you run with humanity.